


Forgiving and Forgetting

by sweetvoid



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Suga's there for one second but OH well, i relate to sad tsukki so much I can't stop writing about him, im so bad at tags goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:44:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6151040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetvoid/pseuds/sweetvoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima can't come to terms with his recent breakup and reviews both the good and bad of the relationship through his memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiving and Forgetting

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm here today with another sad Kurotsuki~  
> Please don't hate me, I promise I want them to be happy! One day I'll write a huge fluff to make up for all of this heartache. This one has a slightly happy ending? I mean it's not ideal but it's not completely tragic at least. I hope you enjoy! (at least, as much as one can truly enjoy a sad kurotsuki..)

Forgiving was hard. Forgetting was even harder. Especially when it came to Kuroo. Tsukishima had lost count of how long it had been since they officially broke up. One month? Two? He wasn’t sure anymore. Every regret he had ever had was nothing compared to the regret he felt for this. Regret for letting Kuroo walk away. Regret for not being better.  
Regret for not being enough. Regret, regret, regret. 

He still had so many unanswered questions.

 _“Why did you leave?”_

_“What did I do wrong?”_

_“Why couldn’t I be good enough for you?”_

Every time he had confronted Kuroo, it had been a different answer, a different excuse.

_“My parents don’t want me to date right now.”_

_“It just wasn’t working anymore.”_

_“It’s not like we would have lasted, anyway.”_

But he didn’t try. He had never tried. There had to be more than this.

Tsukishima had tried so hard to be everything Kuroo needed. 

~

It had been a cool August night when Tsukishima’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He had looked at the message, one from Sugawara.

“How do you feel about Kuroo Testurou.”

Tsukishima’s heart had leapt into his throat. Kuroo had apparently approached Sugawara at their training camp, saying he wanted to get to know Tsukishima better and had asked if Sugawara could talk to him. The next day, he received his first text from Kuroo. They talked every day for a week, until Kuroo asked if Tsukishima wanted to come visit him in  
Tokyo for the day. 

Kuroo met him at the train station with a huge smile. 

“What do you want to do?” he had asked.

Tsukishima had no idea. 

Kuroo had taken his hand and Tsukishima let him. He led him to an old arcade where they stayed for a couple hours. When they left, it was raining. Kuroo had laughed, holding out his hand for Tsukishima to take again. When he did, Kuroo started running through the rain, pulling Tsukishima along with him. Kuroo stopped after running for a few minutes. He had turned around and pulled Tsukishima right up to his chest, the raining pouring down around them. And then, like something out of a cheesy romance movie, Kuroo had kissed him. It had been short, but passionate. It hadn’t been Tsukishima’s first kiss, but he really wished it was. He had never felt anything like it before, the rockets going off in his stomach, his heart pounding and his mind fogging. He had known then that there was something special about Kuroo Tetsurou. 

~

Tsukishima didn’t know why he had ever fallen for Kuroo in the first place. He was everything that Tsukishima would have hated in anyone else. But something about Kuroo was so alluring, so exciting and filled with adventure. Yet, as Tsukishima looked back now, all he could feel was contempt. He had asked advice from everyone, “What do I do? How do I forget him? How do I move on?” 

He was always given very straightforward answers that made complete sense, yet for some reason Tsukishima could never wrap his mind around it. Yes, he could focus on volleyball more to take his mind off of it. Yes, he could ask Yamaguchi to hang out whenever he was feeling down. Yes, he could listen to his favorite music to make the pain go away. And yes, he could just give it time and know that one day he would look back and it wouldn’t matter anymore. But the thing was, he couldn’t. He tried and tried but never succeeded. Kuroo was everywhere, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that this would never truly be better.

~

They had been dating for almost two months by the time Tsukishima’s birthday had rolled around and Kuroo had apparently planned the perfect day for them. Tsukishima arrived in Tokyo the night before, on Kuroo’s request. Tsukishima had never been to Kuroo’s house before, and he was a little nervous not just to meet Kuroo’s parents, but also to spend the night under the same roof as his boyfriend. He wasn’t quite sure his heart could take that. They finally came to the steps of a small, but nice house.

Kuroo had introduced him to his family. His parents were both filled with kindness and were so accepting of Tsukishima already, even though they had only just met him. It had filled his heart with warmth he had never quite felt before. They had all eaten dinner together and after excusing themselves, Kuroo brought Tsukishima up to his room. They had cuddled and Kuroo played video games while Tsukishima watched. It was nice seeing Kuroo like this, experiencing what he did every day, how he spent his free time, what his parents were like, how he laid in bed and how he stroked Tsukishima’s hair gently every time his game showed a cutscene. It was something Tsukishima would have liked to experience for the rest of his life. Without either of them really realizing it, it had gotten pretty late. 

“I can get out a futon for you if you want. Or…you could sleep with me if you wanted to.”

Tsukishima had chosen the latter, never wanting to remove himself from Kuroo’s side. Tsukishima wanted to fall asleep like this every night, tangled up in Kuroo. 

The next day was more than Tsukishima could have ever hoped for. Kuroo took him to a museum that had a special dinosaur exhibit for that weekend only. It had been fate as Kuroo put it, a happy coincidence to Tsukishima. After that, they had taken a stroll in the park and Kuroo had showed Tsukishima his favorite stray cats, explaining that he came to give them food and attention at least once a week. Kuroo then took him out to a nice dinner where they talked for hours and Tsukishima’s head was spinning and filled with so much happiness, he didn’t know how it could possibly get any better. They walked back to Kuroo’s home in a comfortable silence. 

When they got back, they found a note from Kuroo’s parents on the table saying that they had an issue with one of their properties a few hours away and probably would not be home that night. Kuroo explained that his parents owned a few apartment complexes in the area and that whenever something went wrong, it was their job to fix it. This happened often from what Tsukishima had gathered. 

Kuroo had sent Tsukishima up to his room while he got something from the kitchen. Tsukishima sat on the bed, taking in everything about Kuroo’s room, from the black comforter spread out on the bed to the smell of cotton that filled the air. He remembered thinking that he had never felt more at home in his life. When Kuroo finally entered the room, he was carrying a small strawberry shortcake with a single flickering candle sticking out the top. He sat on the bed next to Tsukishima and looked him in the eyes. 

“I love you, Kei.”

It had been the first time Kuroo had used his given name and Tsukishima loved the way it sounded coming from his mouth. They ate the cake together and soon after cleaning up, settled back into bed. They sat there in silence for a long time, just looking at each other, memorizing every inch of the other’s face. Kuroo was asking a question not with his voice, but with his eyes. Tsukishima still understood what that look meant and he nodded; face red and his whole body shaking. 

“I love you, Tetsurou.” 

They made love for the first time that night. It was a first for both of them so it was clumsy and slightly painful and over far too quickly but that didn’t make it any less passionate. It was probably the most special moment of Tsukishima’s life. 

~

He was hurt, so hurt. Never angry though. He could never bring himself to hate Kuroo for what he had done. He knew there must have been a good reason, hidden deep behind the flat excuses he rambled off as explanations. But maybe that was just Tsukishima wanting to believe Kuroo was a better person than he really was, wanting to believe that the first person he fell in love with actually loved him back. Sure they had said it to each other all the time, but looking back it didn’t feel genuine. How could it after Tsukishima had been left all alone? 

~

Two weeks. That’s how long it took for things to change. Kuroo stopped calling as much and stopped trying to make plans to see Tsukishima on the weekends. He was distancing himself. He didn’t understand what had happened. After his birthday, he had felt they were getting even closer than before, even happier than before. He saw Kuroo smile more and laugh more and saw his expression grow softer when he talked to Tsukishima. He saw love, radiating from every inch of Kuroo’s body. In the ways he held Tsukishima at night, to the way he gave him quick little kisses in the middle of their day when they were wandering around the city. It was two more weeks, two more visits of pure bliss. The last time he had seen Kuroo, he had been so happy and telling Tsukishima about the exciting things they would do next weekend. But that week, things changed. 

Tsukishima wasn’t sure why or how but things felt weird and Kuroo was so, so far away. Not just physically, but emotionally too. He wasn’t responding to Tsukishima’s questions with actual answers, only slight grunts and if Tsukishima was lucky, a yes or no. That was the first weekend Tsukishima didn’t go to visit Kuroo. Kuroo hardly spoke to him that weekend, not even mentioning the fact that they weren’t spending time together. Tsukishima didn’t want to admit it to himself, but that was probably when he realized that it was ending. The person he loved didn’t seem to love him anymore. He didn’t know how to deal with it so he ran and screamed and cried and slammed his head into the wall and _god_ he just wanted to go back. He wanted things to be _normal_ again.

The next weekend, Kuroo didn’t invite him again. Tsukishima took it upon himself to go to Tokyo anyway. When he arrived at Kuroo’s house, he couldn’t even say he was shocked to see a small brunette girl leaving at the same time. They passed each other and she gave him a small smile, clearly with no idea who he was. He sighed as he reached the front door and knocked twice. 

“Back so-“ Kuroo’s voice immediately cut off when he noticed it was in fact, not the girl that had just left. 

“Oh. Hey,” was all he could manage with Tsukishima staring daggers into him.

“I don’t care about who that was Kuroo, I think it’s obvious enough without you explaining it to me. I just came to find out what’s been up with you the past couple weeks. What happened? Was it something I did? Because if it was I can assure you that I’m sorry.” Tsukishima had tears welling in his eye now but he knew he couldn’t let them out.

Kuroo was slumped over; he didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look particularly sad either. “I guess I just don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Those words had hit Tsukishima like a thousand bricks. He had known it was coming, but actually hearing it was a completely different story. The Kuroo standing in front of him was not the Kuroo he knew. His eyes showed no signs of affection for Tsukishima; they barely showed any emotion at all. He acted like he didn’t care, like this didn’t affect him in the least. Kuroo’s eyes narrowed as he met Tsukishima’s gaze.

“Don’t you care at all? I mean…I thought you loved me. I just don’t understand.” 

Kuroo just let out a sigh and shrugged. “It’s just not a good thing anymore Tsukishima. This was bound to happen at some point so it might as well happen now before you really get hurt. If you’re this upset now, imagine how it would have been two years from now.”

“If you were planning on leaving me from the start why did you even ask me out in the first place?” Tsukishima felt no anger, only confusion. Always confusion. And pain.

“It’s not that I was planning on leaving. I just didn’t see this going anywhere after a while. I figured this was the best our relationship could possibly get, so why bother trying anymore?” Kuroo’s voice sounded agitated, like he shouldn’t have to spell this out to Tsukishima. He was not giving up so easily, though.

“How can you say that? The way I see it, it could only go up from here! How can you say it’s not worth trying when you won’t even give it a fair chance in the first place?” Tsukishima’s voice was quivering.

“I’m sorry, Kei.” 

Those were the last words Tsukishima heard before Kuroo slammed the door in his face.

~

One month. Two months. Three months. Time passed on and still, Tsukishima couldn’t understand. He was still hurting. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to be happy, but more than that he wanted Kuroo. He still felt there might be a slight chance but he knew he was just being unrealistic. Tsukishima had been long forgotten and he had to accept that. He was thankful he at least didn’t have to see him at their practice matches against Nekoma anymore. 

_“It’ll be okay Tsukishima.”_

_“You’ll get through this.”_

They were just words to him though. They were never powerful to actually penetrate his mind, going in one ear and out the other. He was lost; there were no exits signs on the road of love that Tsukishima was crawling on, desperately searching for anything, even a rest stop to ease his mind before he hopped back on his stupid highway of feelings. 

~

September 27. It was Tsukishima’s birthday today, and the last thing he wanted was to celebrate. It had been almost a year now since his last contact with Kuroo. He had learned to take breaks and to feel happy but there were still days when it was hard to come to terms with what had happened. He still felt like he never quite received the closure he needed to truly move on. 

The day was almost over and as Tsukishima sat at his desk, he heard his phone buzz. He picked it up, carefully glancing at the screen. 

_Kuroo._

His heart started racing and his mind went blank. Slowly, he opened up his phone to view the new message. 

“Hey Tsukishima. It’s been a while. Happy birthday! I hope you’re doing well. I just wanted to apologize for the way things ended between us. I was being stupid and immature. I still am, but I have a better handle on my life now I guess. Whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re happy. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive everything that I’ve put you through. I know it couldn’t have been easy. I hope you know my feelings were genuine and while the way I ended things may say otherwise, I did really love you. I still do. Even if it wasn’t the right time or the right place or whatever you want to call it, I’ll never forget you Kei. I hope you live an amazing life and find someone to fill the hole in your heart that I left. So I guess this is my official goodbye, Kei. I hope we can meet again someday.

-Kuroo”

Tsukishima felt the tears welling in his eyes and this time he couldn’t control them as they fell down his face. He wasn’t exactly sad though. No, this was what he had wanted…a really goodbye, real closure. He could finally forgive Kuroo, and while he would never forget him, he could finally move on.


End file.
